One Scared Puppy

I began seeing a new therapist this past week and am going through the process of introducing myself to her and my life-long battle with depression. People have described depression as the absence of joy in one's life. Others have described it as being in a very dark, cold, lonely place. For myself, I think the best illustration is the scared puppy story.

We all have seen dogs who have been abused by people. Whenever a person approaches the dog (whether the dog knows the person or not) have you noticed how the dog will make itself as small as possible. Perhaps the dog will start shaking and whining.

That's me with depression. I feel I have been so 'beaten up' by depression that I feel like if I do my best to not be noticed then I won't be beaten again. I have, literally, become so scared of life that I'm in a catch 22. I want people to like me and I need people in my life but I am skittish. Whenever anyone shows some interest, I feel like part of me starts shaking and whining on the inside because I'm afraid I'll be hurt again. People notice this in the way this causes me to put up a protective wall. It's not that I consciously choose to be scared, I wish I wasn't. I've just been hurt so many times that I guess I just expect it to happen again. And, on those rare occasions where I've been able to beat that back, inevitably it comes back and bites me in the ass.

Just looking at me, you wouldn't think that is how I see myself. You see, I've learned (or, better yet, was taught) how to 'put up a good front'. I can fake happiness and exude grand false self-confidence because that's what people want to see from someone else. Have you ever heard the maxim "Never tell someone how you really feel when they ask how you're doing"? [because they REALLY don't wanna know or can't handle the truth.] You don't believe me? Try it with someone tomorrow. After you've both said 'hi, how you doing?' tell them 'lousy' and see what reaction you get. My bet is they'll probably say something like 'that's nice...' or 'good, glad to hear it.' Do I sound cynical and jaded? Yes, I know that I do and I don't like it. I don't like being in this frame of mind yet depression makes it one of my more frequent 'dwelling places.'